Play and Life Reflections

I saw a play tonight. "The Last Days of Judas Iscariot". The play takes place in purgatory, where Judas is residing (I think, perhaps Judas was in hell but the scenes took place in purgatory). Judas exists in a catatonic state, broken, alone, separated from the presence of God. So we think. A judge is trying cases of souls and Judas's case comes up. A writ from God allows the trial to proceed, and the lawyers call various Biblical (an non-Biblical, like Freud) witnesses to attest to whether Judas betrayed Jesus to get ahead, and should therefore be damned, or that Judas was in fact always loyal to the Lord, and was only doing what he though would spurn Jesus to the action he foresaw as destined to take place, and therefore should go to heaven.

I really liked this play, even though there was a lot of language and some vulgar turns of dialogue, it was challenging to listen to and really hear what they were saying. Some of it was profound, not completely true, but an opinion worth listening to. This playwright had something to say.

At the end, Jesus comes out to talk to Judas. Telling Judas that He had been there all along, Judas just forgot how to look. Jesus asks, pleads with Judas, to love Him, because Jesus never stopped loving. And will never stop.

Leaving the theater I had an experience that made me think more about this play. An experience that, even though it is incredibly cliche in comparison, made me relate to Jesus' feelings at the end of the play. Feelings that I think are very accurate. It is hard when someone, through actions or through words, tells you that they just don't have a place for you in their life. That you don't mean enough to them for them to even try, just a little, at anything.

Now, I could very well be over-reacting. But I felt very alone, and stupid, standing there, waiting for my friend, who knew I was there, but never came out to say hello. He just left though another door. And I stood there, thinking in my head through all the praises and acclamations I would give him about his performance, feeling proud of him, feeling privileged that I was the friend of someone with so much...gift. And I just stood there, till everyone else left, and I finally figured it out. And I felt my heart break a little. And I empathized with Jesus as I walked away, because I stand in beside my friend, every day, saying here I am Here I am if you need me. And he just turns away.

I love Jesus because He never gives up on me. No matter how many times I turn away, or ignore Him, or flat out spit in His face. He will always love me, grace will always find me, mercy will always rescue me. And I wonder, if I am to embrace Jesus, to try to be like him, am I to do the same thing? Even though I feel like I should give up and get the point, embodying the invisibility thrust upon me, should I just keep showing up? Just keep standing there, waiting, in case some day I'm needed?

Jesus does. So should I.

500 Days of Summer

A friend of mine, in a conversation we were having, asked me if I had seen "500 Days of Summer". I said no, but I had it at home, sent with love from Netflix, waiting to be watched. He said that I was a little bit like Summer, that part of what made her cool was that she was independent and called her own shots. And Tom, who liked her for those very reasons, found that by dating her it took away some of that appeal, and so he was torn. But that towards the end of the movie he learns something.

So I went home and watched the movie, expecting some insight, expecting to learn something about myself. However, as brilliant as this friend is who told me the things above, I did not glean the same conclusions about this film, and in fact found the comparison to Summer more discouraging rather than uplifting.

Yes, Summer was independent, but she was also distant and unable to make a real connection. She pushed people away under the guise of independence. Tom, desperate to make a real connection, just wished she would open up to him and commit. He disliked the fact that she didn't want a boyfriend, he disliked it when she pushed him away. He wasn't torn because he felt that dating her would change her, quite the opposite, he hoped that his presence and faithfulness would change her.

What makes this story even worse is that she knew how he felt, yet she didn't end it. She drug the poor guy along, knowing he wanted more than she could give, yet because she stated in the beginning that she "didn't want anything serious" felt justified in her behavior. She was a little bit awful in my opinion, and her statements weren't consistent with her actions.

I do not want to be this girl.

But Tom, even though I relate to him more, isn't any better. He chases this girl, who told him up front what she did and did not want, then he keeps hoping that she will change. Then, when she doesn't, he sinks into pathetic depression for an obscene amount of time. Of course, this is slightly less bad when you add in her awfulness and the fact that she manipulated his feelings (yes, maybe without REALLY realizing it).

What does it mean about us when we relate to a character like this? Are we all filled with such unrealistic longings? Why do we keep chasing after people who can never give us what we really want and just keep hoping that they will change? And then we feel bad about ourselves when they don't change and break our hearts......this is messed up.

I don't want to be Tom either.

What does it mean when someone compares you to a character that you don't like....

Am I really that bad at expressing who I am?

Do they not know who I am at all?

Or, maybe, I don't know myself..............

Okay, I know, it's silly

So I just watched the "Twilight" movie, for the second time. And I hate to say it, but it's ridiculously addicting. But I still have to justify myself to you, the one person who may read this. I am not one to jump on bandwagons. In fact, I tend to shun bandwagons for as long as possible. "Trendy" things tend to have the opposite affect on me, I run the other direction. Back when everyone kept saying that Brad Pitt was soooo hot, I disagreed. Only in the last few years have I finally decided he's not bad to look at (always been a Matt Damon girl myself). When Harry Potter came out, I didn't read a single book or watch a single movie until just before the 6th book was released. Of course, then I started reading the books and couldn't put them down. So when this whole Twilight thing started building, I looked the other way. I did not want to get involved in this craze that was the topic of ever pre-teen girl conversation in the US. So I ignored it. Not as long as usual though, my curiosity got the better of me. I started reading the books. And, I realized that I am just as much of a sucker as every.....other.....girl....on.....the....planet. I do have to say, thank God for my willpower to hold off as long as I did, because I started reading after all four books were published and the first movie was in theaters. I can't imagine how miserable it was for all those who had to, gasp, wait between books. Now, I admit, the books are cheesy with a capital C. They play off every ridiculous emotion that we silly girls have. And it is completely unrealistic. We are already dissatisfied with the men in our life thanks to Jane Austin, Disney, and every romantic movie ever made, but Twilight takes it to a new, even more unhealthy, level. In the movie Edward refers to Bella as a drug, he says, "You're my own personal kind of heroin". Well, this movie is like a type of heroin. You know it's bad for you, but you like it anyway, and once you start, you just want more.

Why does it hurt?

I consider myself a fairly rational person. But it's funny (not ha ha funny but more odd funny) that some things can really get to me, despite what I'm sure is a rational explanation. So I have this friend, and I'm fairly sure that they won't read this, but if they do, please don't take this the wrong way, this is in my head and is not an accurate representation of you. Anyway, this friend, I'm not sure how to define our relationship because I've never had a friendship like this before. For some reason I feel compelled to befriend this person, and they just might hate it. Perhaps they don't want anything at all to do with me and are humoring me, praying daily that I would just leave them the hell alone. Perhaps, but I don't think so based on a lot of other things I won't share. This person doesn't get out much, or at least they say they don't. Basically because of a lack of time and a general resistance to social situations. Again, so they say. However, this is where the existence of an online social network can be problematic. See, other people can post pictures of you that show up on your friends pages even if the person who posted the picture is not your friend. So, on occasion, I get photos of my friend, hanging out with other people and seemingly having a good time. Except they won't hang out with me. And I don't know why. And this hurts. But, LOGICALLY, it shouldn't. There are a lot of people who like me, a lot of people who want me around, a lot of people who are willing to go to lunch or a movie or to the park. I'd even risk saying that most people who I know would be more than happy to hang out with me if I called them and asked. So why does it bug me so much that this person, this ONE person, doesn't want to? Or can't find time to. I've always thought that if someone really wants to be around you, they'll make time. Maybe that isn't a correct thing to believe.

Some Things I Don't Understand

There are some things in life I just don't understand. This post is actually a continuation, or possibly a tangent, of my previous thoughts regarding social behavior. It stems from a conversation I had with a couple of my friends on Saturday night over pizza. We were chatting about various aspects of life, the evils of television watching and video games, the effects of the media on the population, differences between men and womens view of themselves in relationship to others, just your everyday light conversation.

The topic of going out to events (or parties) came up since I was supposed to be going to one such party that night. I was reluctant to attend said party. Not because I didn't like the person who was throwing the party, I actually like her very much, she's great. And not because I hate going to parties. What I don't like are parties where the main purpose is to get incredibly drunk. (I must insert here that this was just my assumption due to a comment made about the party. My assumption may have been incorrect.)

Many people think that getting drunk is "fun". I am the kind of person who has one beer, maybe two, and is done. I don't drink every day, I don't even have a drink once a week. It's just not something I think about or desire. So I just don't understand people who think that getting completely sloshed is a grand old time. Why is that fun? Why is it fun not to be able to control what you say or do? Why is it fun not to remember half the night? People say to me, "Well, you don't have to drink". Yes, that is true. But it is not very stimulating to be sober around a bunch of people who can't carry on a conversation. I'd much rather be sober around a bunch of other sober people.

Now let's tackle the idea that people drink to relieve stress or get a release. I'm sorry, I think that's stupid. That may be harsh, but it's how I feel. When a person is stressed out and they have all these things in their life they are trying to deal with, drinking doesn't fix any of those things. You may feel good for a few hours and forget the world, but when you come out of the hangover the next day, all those things you were trying to forget are still there, and they're still ugly and stressful. You did absolutley nothing to fix the problem. It's still there. And depending on your behavior when you were intoxicated, you might have a few more problems to add to the gauntlet. This line of reasoning makes no sense. If you want a stress release, do something that actually helps with your cortisol levels (which, if you don't know, regulate the stress response), like exercise. Again, remember that I am not criticising having a beer or two, I'm talking about excessive beer consumption (or other alcoholic beverages). Also, if you have some really tough stuff to deal with, get counseling. It have been shown over and over that alcohol (and drug) abuse doesn't fix problems, so why it is still a popular method I don't understand.

The only way to have a healthy life is to take care of yourself physically and mentally. I don't think alcohol abuse fits into this equation. And I don't think getting drunk is "fun". If you do think it's fun, I wonder if there is something else going on in your psyche that you need to deal with. But again, people's opinions differ, and maybe you and I are just intrinsically different in our perception of enjoyable activities.

Social Behavior continued

So, in case anyone cares, I ended up being social last night. And it was really fun. I think I need to make myself go out more often.

Social Behavior

I am not the most social person. In fact, I'm a bit of a hermit. I enjoy getting together with people, but I also enjoy being at home alone. I've never been the sort of person who has trouble going out to eat or to a movie by themselves. I actually feel a bit annoyed at times when my plans to be alone get disrupted by some social event. However, I wonder how healthy being alone is.

I know that everyone needs some time to be in their own head. If you spend too much time there, the picture gets a little crazy. I truly doubt any person is completely sane, and the more time you spend in your own mind, the more likely your sanity is to come into question. I have found that if I spend too much time on my own my negativity comes out in force. I know this and yet I have to make myself do things with other people. When I do go out, I have fun, but it's convincing myself to leave the house that is difficult. Now I do have to add a disclaimer, this doesn't happen ALL of the time, not even a majority of the time, it's a some of the time event.

It's strange because I have the same difficulty with running. I like to run. But sometimes I'd rather just stay in bed. It's hard to pry myself out from under the covers and put on my shoes, but once I get out in the brisk air I usually am very thankful I did. How to make this apply to social situations is troubling.

Right now I am at school, and there is a seminar a four followed by a social thing at five. I don't want to go. I want to go home. But I know I should stay. Part of graduate school is networking, and I can't network very well if I don't go to any events. So I am making myself stay, it sucks, but I'm doing it. Whether I will have the same fulfillment I find after I make myself go running is the question.