A friend of mine, in a conversation we were having, asked me if I had seen "500 Days of Summer". I said no, but I had it at home, sent with love from Netflix, waiting to be watched. He said that I was a little bit like Summer, that part of what made her cool was that she was independent and called her own shots. And Tom, who liked her for those very reasons, found that by dating her it took away some of that appeal, and so he was torn. But that towards the end of the movie he learns something.
So I went home and watched the movie, expecting some insight, expecting to learn something about myself. However, as brilliant as this friend is who told me the things above, I did not glean the same conclusions about this film, and in fact found the comparison to Summer more discouraging rather than uplifting.
Yes, Summer was independent, but she was also distant and unable to make a real connection. She pushed people away under the guise of independence. Tom, desperate to make a real connection, just wished she would open up to him and commit. He disliked the fact that she didn't want a boyfriend, he disliked it when she pushed him away. He wasn't torn because he felt that dating her would change her, quite the opposite, he hoped that his presence and faithfulness would change her.
What makes this story even worse is that she knew how he felt, yet she didn't end it. She drug the poor guy along, knowing he wanted more than she could give, yet because she stated in the beginning that she "didn't want anything serious" felt justified in her behavior. She was a little bit awful in my opinion, and her statements weren't consistent with her actions.
I do not want to be this girl.
But Tom, even though I relate to him more, isn't any better. He chases this girl, who told him up front what she did and did not want, then he keeps hoping that she will change. Then, when she doesn't, he sinks into pathetic depression for an obscene amount of time. Of course, this is slightly less bad when you add in her awfulness and the fact that she manipulated his feelings (yes, maybe without REALLY realizing it).
What does it mean about us when we relate to a character like this? Are we all filled with such unrealistic longings? Why do we keep chasing after people who can never give us what we really want and just keep hoping that they will change? And then we feel bad about ourselves when they don't change and break our hearts......this is messed up.
I don't want to be Tom either.
What does it mean when someone compares you to a character that you don't like....
Am I really that bad at expressing who I am?
Do they not know who I am at all?
Or, maybe, I don't know myself..............
4 comments:
i came away with the same impression. they were both dumb, but he was slightly less dumb. if she didn't want a serious relationship, then why was that exactly what she jumped into right after him?
as far as character comparisons... it would be hard for me to tell, since i don't know your relationship history, but you don't strike me as either summer or tom.
as far as independence and knowing what you want, i think those are qualities you certainly have, but you're not whimsical or fickle.
you don't seem the type to drag anyone along just because you don't have anything better to do.
in my opinion we are the sum of our experiences, hopes and regrets, and the experiences hopes and regrets of those we meet. i think other people's perceptions of you are important for insight, but they don't make you who you are.
:)
In my defense, It had been months since I saw the movie.
However, I do think many of us are guilty of pushing away perfectly good suitors without ever really giving them a chance (see: Summer); or chasing people not interested in us (a la Tom).
It was short sighted of me to say that you only shared traits of one character but not the other. I'm a bit of both, and I believe most of us are.
The good news is, in the end, both Tom and Summer meet somebody that is even better for them than they were for each other. The just had to move on and keep their eyes open.
Thinking about Ivan's first paragraph in relation to the movie, I believe modern dating has its own language. When Summer says she's "not looking for a serious relationship," she means "I'm not looking for a serious relationship WITH YOU TOM."
Because it's hurtful to say "I'm just not that into you" to someone, we've developed a societal code that says it for us. "I'm busy, lets be friends, etc."
This is a subtle message, because we tend to ignore what we don't want to believe. Tom believes what Summers actions say instead of her words. I've made the opposite mistake. I once dated a girl who I found out was seeing two other guys as well. I asked her about it and she said, "It's different when I hang out with them instead of you, because I'm not interested in them." While that statement led me to believe that she was interested in me, her continued actions did not. I stuck around for a while because I believed the words: they told me what I wanted to be true. The real truth was she didn't see any of us that way, but she didn't want to hurt any of us (kind of like how Summer doesn't want to hurt Tom).
Anyway, while none of us ARE Summer, many of us (myself included) are like her.
If you can't trust someones actions, or words, what can you trust?
In answer to your questions:
Am I really that bad at expressing who I am? No. You are quite expressive and I've never felt that you were closed off. I feel like you are nothing but truthful. You don't mask yourself.
Do they not know who I am at all?
I think that your friends know you.
Or, maybe, I don't know myself..............
Silly question. You do know yourself.
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