I am not a good blogger.

I am currently bored. And earlier this week I was rebuked for not posting a new blog since March by a friend I haven't talked to in, oh, 8 to 10 years. Now, I am not disparaging said friend, I am just proving that even people who no longer know me very well figure out rather quickly that I am terrible at writing a blog. Why on earth did I ever decide to do this ridiculous thing?

The thing is, I WANT to write. Blogs, songs, poetry, novels, insightful funny articles for Outside magazine........my masters thesis. The problem is that I feel blocked. Once, a long time ago, in the glory days of high school (insert belly laugh here), I was told I was a good writer. Well, maybe I was but maybe my english teacher was delusional. If recent attempts to compose a song that doesn't sound like a Taylor Swift monstrosity are any indication, then I say the latter is true.

I long for inspiration. I yearn for the ability to communicate my thoughts and emotions in a way that is honest and inspiring, possibly even beautiful. And yet, I fail. Over and over and over again. Is it my head that is the problem? Or my heart? Or am I not gifted? Who knows. I struggle not to envy those people to whom it comes naturally. Where songs or poetry just flow out of them like water from a spring. They breath and art emerges. I breath and all that comes out is the smell of mint toothpaste.

But do I give up. Honestly? All the time. Then, because there is something deep inside me that can't let it go forever, I dive back in to another round of stuggle and disappointment. I believe I have snippits of brilliance, but they are so short lived sometimes I wonder if they ever really occured at all. People keep telling me to keep trying, that eventually it will come together, but they have no practical advice or insight on "how" it will occur.

Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I am too focused on the how. It's the science saturated part of me that can't just let things flow to their natural culmination, but has to fight to know the why and how of the process before I am ever satisfied with the conclusion. It reminds me on how my guitar teacher told me that I was too "smart" to play the guitar. He wasn't literal, he just meant that I thought about it too much instead of just letting it happen.

This could be the error I make in a lot of things in life. Maybe a mistake that we all make. Planning and prodding every aspect of our lives to try and make them what we think we want them to be. The problem is that what we think we want may not be what we want at all and most likely isn't even close to what we need.

In the end I guess I need to try less and do more. Perhaps inspiration will strike someday, perhaps not, but maybe the journey will be more exciting.